Interview With Author Kari Berit: The Unexpected Caregiver
Kari Berit Discusses The Unexpected Caregiver
More than 30 million Americans are caring for someone over the age of 50. And many of them find themselves to be unexpected caregivers. The Unexpected Caregiver is a new book by Kari Berit, who has been a family caregiver and worked with older adults for nearly two decades in a variety of aging services and senior housing settings. Kari is an author, speaker and consultant who takes on elephant-in-the-room issues of caregiving and aging in a way that leaves her audiences saying, 'Thank You.' Changing Aging recently sat down with Kari to discuss her new book:
What were your goals in writing your book?
Several. One: Family caregivers don’t always consider the impact of taking care of their parents-it will bring families together and tear them apart at the same time. One of my goals was to help raise awareness of caregiving as a new role, an additional role. Many times a daughter will stop by her mom’s house after work, drop off a few groceries, and not consider this a new role. Soon she’s trying to figure out how to take an extra lunch break so she can take Mom to the doctor or pick up her medications using her own money. We need to recognize the role and then ask ourselves how we want to play it out, knowing, of course, that we can’t plan for everything. We are only in charge of how we respond to this new role.Two: We need to recognize how our past relationships to our parents (and family) and try new ways of connecting. When I worked as a professional caregiver, it was easy to get to know the residents for who they were presently. For families, it’s too easy to get caught up in what Mom or Dad used to be like, becoming frustrated when they aren’t as sharp or physically fit as they once were. In my book, I encourage you to get to know your parents for who they are today. Learn about generational differences, communication challenges and ways to understand past relationships and move into new, updated, adult relationships.Three: Too often we don’t know how to talk about elephant issues, such as end-of-life wishes or money. I wanted to present ways to ease into those trickier conversations. As an activity director, I was often challenged with reaching residents through creative ways. In my book, I share some of these ideas and offer them as ways to create richer, more meaningful connections with your parents, and also dive into those touchy subjects.Fourth: I wanted to share my professional and personal insights. As a society, we will be relying on family and informal caregivers more than ever. We need information, insight and training. The Unexpected Caregiver can help new and seasoned caregivers, by presenting ideas that bring out creativity, humor and much love.
What are some of the 'difficult' questions you address that people often don’t know where to get insights?
How to talk about loneliness, death, making a move; how to encourage your parents to get outside themselves, how to communicate, understand family and generational differences; how to work with someone with dementia, to be present in your parents end of life; how to talk about the 'stuff' and how to retain yourself, while being a caregiving for your parents, to name a few.
You talk about 'play' being an important part of the caregiving experience, what do you mean by that?
If you’re not connected to kids or animals on a daily basis, it’s sometimes difficult to give yourself permission to play. When we play, we’re in the present moment. We’re not worrying about 'what ifs' or 'should haves.'Much of playing has to do with letting go and we need to let go of a lot of negative self-talk when we give care. Many of us aren’t trained, yet we’re so hard on ourselves for not doing it 'right.' Let go of what others will think. Let go of the negative self-talk or your fears of appearing silly. Often, silly is the point of the exercise. That voice in your head saying, 'I don’t have time for this kind of foolishness,' or 'It’s too late to try something new,' is really just fear of embarrassment talking.If you are someone who dares to try new things, who can and does play like no one is watching, you’ll find you have a better attitude and more energy for your caregiving activities, as well as for your family and the 'rest of your life.' Plus, you’ll be a positive influence on your parents whenever they’re feeling that there’s no fun left in life. Live light-hearted and know that play is good for the heart, soul and brain-yours and theirs.
At the end of caregiving comes death. Can caregiving have a happy ending?
Often there comes a time when the caregiver says, 'I just wish Dad would die, so I can get on with my life.' Generally, they feel guilty after expressing this, but there is a sense of truth to the statement. It’s not meant maliciously, but rather, a voiced recognition of a feeling and yearning to return to 'normal.' If the caregiver is able to be fully present through the dying process, caregiving can certainly have a gratifying ending. I’m not sure 'happy' is the correct word, but being able to walk with someone-especially a parent-at the end of their life is a true gift.There is a sense of emptiness that comes with death. No longer is the caregiver’s life directed by the needs of another. It’s easy to miss that and feel like your life, sans the caregiving role, is devoid of meaning. No longer are you needed, and that can feel lonely. I’ve found that caregivers who have recently lost a loved one often turn to helping others. While this is a good thing, it’s also a good thing to take time to recharge your own batteries. Caregiving is taxing. It takes a great amount of energy and I often suggest down time after a death.
What can professional caregivers take from this book?
The original ideas came from my work as a professional caregiver, so the book is very applicable to this group. Professional caregivers gain creative insights in how to make quicker, richer connections. They also gain a better understanding of the family dynamics that take place. Professional caregivers can struggle to understand why someone’s mom or dad is in assisted living or skilled care; 'Why can’t the family take care of them?' they ask. Reading my book helps professionals connect back to their own family systems and remember that it isn’t always easy to care for a family member.There are also ideas of how to reach out to families, use mental fitness cards and children’s books to start conversations with residents. I include a primer on dementia and using music to encourage professional caregivers to give of themselves as they care. I’ve used the book in professional training and also suggest giving this book to family members as a gift, a way to say, 'we care and want to help you become a better caregiver.'
Can you describe for our readers the characteristics of what comprises a good caregiving experience - both for the caregiver and the person receiving care?
If you’re willing to let go, be present, you give a huge gift to your care receiver and to yourself. We run around being busy for most of our days and with caregiving comes the opportunity to slow down...it’s up to us to accept the gift.If you’re willing to laugh at yourself as you make mistakes in caregiving, knowing you’re learning a new job, you’ll be a good caregiver.If you’re able to learn new things, use creativity, listen to others, you’ll make a good caregiver.Mostly, it’s about love. If you’re giving care out of love, you’ll always be a good caregive
How Old? July 24, 2008
Celebrating another year today:Comedian Ruth Buzzi is 72.Actor Mark Goddard (Lost in Space) is 72.Comedian Gallagher is 62.Actor Robert Hays (played Ted Striker in Airplane)Superwoman' Lynda Carter is 57.
Dayswithmyfather.com
Thank you to Changing Aging reader and interviewee Dr. Brent Ridge of Martha Stewart Living who shared with us a very moving, authentic, up-close photo essay done by one of his friends on caring with a father with Alzheimer’s. View it here at www.dayswithmyfather.com.Media always talk about women being caregivers - and statistics show that they do the bulk of family caregiving. That’s going to have to change pronto for the Age Wave, especially with so many dual-career couples. Men have to get with it. Kudos to this son.
How Old? Birthdays for July 23, 2008
Actress Gloria Dehaven is 83.Country singer Tony Joe White is 65.Larry Manetti, who played Rick on Magnum P.I. is 61.Singer David Essex is 61.Guitarist Blair Thornton of Bachman-Turner Overdrive is 58.And actor Woody Harrelson will soon be living fully after 50. He turns 47 today.
Ecumen Customer Hardy Rickbeil Hits Goal of Living Fully After 100!
Ecumen customer Hardy Rickbeil has set a lot of goals in his life and reached them. He recently reached another one: His 100th birthday.Everyone knows Hardy in Worthington, Minn. A community leader, he built several businesses there that employed many people in Worthington. Today, as a resident of the Ecumen community of The Meadows of Worthington, Hardy continues his community building work.A strong proponent of exercise, Hardy was honored with his own day on his birthday as Worthington Mayor Al Oberloh declared June 21st F. Hardy Rickbeil Day in Worthington. Community residents also enjoyed an hour long radio interview, where he shared his insights on living fully.Thanks, Hardy for changing aging and Congratulations on meeting another big goal!
How Old Today? July 22, 2008
Here are a some notable birthdays for today. If you have a birthday, or want to celebrate someone’s birthday, please add it in the comments section below.Actor Orson Bean (Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman) is 80.Actress Louise Fletcher 74.Game show host Alex Trebek is 68.Singer George Clinton 67.Singer Don Henley is 61.Actor-comedian-director Albert Brooks is 61.Actor William Dafoe is 53.
Charles Dickens on Successful Aging
Father Time is not always a bad parent, and, though he tarries for none of his children, often lays his hand lightly upon those who have used him well.
- Charles Dickens, Barnaby Ridge, 1841
A Living at Home/Block Nurse Perspective on Long-Term Care Financing
Your July 9 editorial about reaching out to help seniors live at home and the challenges of Meals on Wheels programs is a drop in the tidal wave bucket before the inevitable Aging Tsunami crashing our way.Latest figures show that more and more seniors are living longer and most have the same goal: to remain in their homes for as long as possible. Meals on Wheels is a valuable service that supports their goal. That’s also what the Living at Home/Block Nurse Programs (LAH/BNPs) do for Minnesota seniors.According to the latest Cost and Services analysis report issued by the Elderberry Institute, the average annual cost per elder served by the 40 Minnesota LAH/BNPs reporting in 2006-07 was $530 compared to $53,154 in average annual costs to maintain a senior in a nursing home.That same report states that Minnesota’s LAH/BNPs served 11,578 seniors and kept 1,138 at home avoiding nursing home placement at a savings of $36.8 million.LAH/BNPs are nonprofits each serving a specific geographical area with a small staff and group of generous volunteers who help seniors with rides to medical appointments among many other services.Funding for LAH/BNPs has traditionally been through city, county and state (Department of Human Services) grants, foundation grants, small fundraising campaigns, donations by seniors and the community. The average budget for a rural program is $54,000 while for metro programs it’s $110,000.Like other program directors, I balanced my time this week between completing required reports, writing a grant, and spending time with our clients (checking in with Tom to make sure he’s OK, arranging for a ride to the doctor for José and dealing with Myrtle’s crisis because she forgot to take her medication and her caregiver daughter lives in another state).In the recently announced 2008-09 Department of Human Services Community Service/Services Development competitive grant bidding process, only one-third of the 114 applicants received funding.
BARBARA LA VALLEUR, ST. PAUL;
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, PAYNE-PHALEN LIVING AT HOME/
Transforming Long-Term Care Financing: Perspectives from Missouri
Mary Alice Ryan is president and CEO of St. Andrew’s Resources for Seniors, a multi-faceted non-profit senior housing and services organization in St. Louis, Missouri. She wrote a great article on transforming long-term care financing that you can read here.
Presidential Candidates Deathly Silent on Long-Term Care Financing Reform
It’s unfathomable that Sen. John McCain and Sen. Barack Obama are not discussing long-term care financing reform as part of their health care and economic policy and visions. Ecumen today distributed a news release that gives them 10 Reasons to Start Discussing Long-Term Care Financing Reform. Below is a copy of it.Ecumen Provides Presidential Candidates 10 Top Reasons to Discuss Long-Term Care Financing ReformSenior housing and services provider Ecumen highlights reasons for financing reforms necessary in the American age wave'10 Reasons Long Term Care Financing Needs to Be Reformed in America,' a recent post to Ecumen’s Changing Aging blog gives the campaigns of Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. John McCain 10 reasons to discuss long-term care financing. The blog also outlines a financing plan put forth by the American Association of Homes and Services for the Aging (AAHSA), which would provide an annual cash benefit of $27,000 for less than a cup of coffee per day. Also posted are reform ideas by AARP.
'If we’re going to have a truly coordinated health care system in America, that promotes wellness from cradle to grave, then long-term care financing reform must be part of American innovation,' says Kathryn Roberts, a baby boomer and president and CEO of Ecumen. 'This is a health care issue, a fiscal issue, a life quality issue, a personal responsibility issue, a business issue, and it impacts every single American - we’re all aging.'
'The issue of such care is perfect for both candidates who want to bring change to America,' said Roberts. 'The age wave represents millions of people who want to age in place and want services that are not institutional. To meet that huge desire for change and new choices, we have to also transform how we pay for people’s desire for independence.'
About 10 million Americans need long-term care today, while 12 million will need it by 2020. Long-term includes an array of services and supports people need when they can no longer care for themselves. Medicaid pays for 42 percent of all long-term care expenditures. According to the Kaiser Commission on Medicaid and the Uninsured, this costs federal and state governments $116.8 billion every year. And according to a new AARP report, most states allocate a greater percentage of their Medicaid dollars to institutional care rather than home and community-based services. Combined with Americans deplorable savings history, many Americans are at risk of not producing enough income to cover basic expenditures related to aging services.And therein is tremendous opportunity for McCain and Obama. According to the Long-Term Care National Survey conducted by the bi-partisan polling team of The Mellman Group and Public Opinion Strategies, 8 in 10 voters state that presidential candidates should make long term care an integral part of their health care proposals.